The World’s First Completely Accurate Horoscope. Probably.

Wifeshui and I were having a discussion this morning about horoscopes, and I was pointing out the ways in which vague predictions can be interpreted to mean something to almost anybody, when it struck me that there’s a real market for more specific horoscopes. With that in mind, I present this week’s astrological predictions with utter precision. There’s not a hint of vagueness in any of these, so they will either be entirely wrong – or spookily accurate…

Aries:

You like Camembert cheese, and will have a craving for it on Thursday. Unfortunately your local branch of Spar will have sold out, and you will have to be content with Brie. On a more positive note, you’ll find they sell delicious bagels.

Taurus:

On Tuesday, you will have a near fatal accident with an electric toaster oven. Your lucky shoe is a brogue.

Gemini:

Breathing is the key to your future. If you stop, you may suffer unfortunate consequences. Venus rising in Capricorn suggests you should buy a new car.

Cancer:

Nobody likes you. Why are you still here?

Leo:

A large amount of money is coming your way – £436.82, to be exact. However, it will be entirely in the form of pennies, and the weight of them will overbalance you and cause you to fall into a canal.

Virgo:

Badgers feature heavily in your future this week – on Monday three of them will attempt to eat your legs. You will survive this attack, but the blood loss will cause strange hallucinations, in which you witness a badger riding a pogo stick and preaching an entirely new religious message of peace and harmony. Your attempts to bring this message to the world will end in failure, however, when you trip over a badger-shaped hedge in the hospital car-park and break your neck.

Libra:

Destiny calls you this week, but you’re going to mis-hear and think it’s calling you a whore. In the ensuing fight, you will fall and bang your left knee against a trouser-press. Your lucky hat is a Panama.

Scorpio:

On Friday, you will look under your sofa for some loose change and discover an entire civilisation of tiny homunculi living underneath. They will worship you as a god, and sacrifice woodlice to you. You can try ordering them to make war in your name, if you like. However, the disruption to their peaceful way of live will result in the collapse of their society by about 4pm on Sunday, so enjoy the sense of power while it lasts.

Sagittarius:

I’m sorry to say that nothing of any interest is due to happen to you this week at all. Every day will be a monotonous litany of tedium. Your lucky spoon is a dessert-spoon.

Capricorn:

Your family will drop in on you unannounced this week, on Wednesday. Of course, now you know, you can make preparations in advance. Think how impressed they’ll be when they see your clean, tidy home! Unfortunately, your mother will have one sherry too many, and embarrass herself (and you) in front of your strangely attractive next-door neighbour.

Aquarius:

Mars rising in Cancer suggests that love is on the horizon! But it’s actually just a wisp of cumulonimbus cloud. You feel let down by the universe. Buy yourself some chocolate.

Pisces:

A man with a huge, malformed head will try and sell you meteor insurance on Saturday. Best take it – Sunday will see your house bombarded by tiny fragments of interstellar rock. Not only will you be comprehensively covered, but scientists from NASA will visit your house, and one of them will turn out to be the girl you had a crush on at primary school! She’s done well for herself, and is looking to settle down in Yorkshire and have babies. I reckon you’re in there. Your lucky fish is herring.