Second-century smut

I haven’t been there since my university days, but back when I was a student one of the top nightspots in Bristol was the Thekla, a club based on an old Baltic transport ship which is now permanently moored in the city’s harbour. Interesting as it is to have a floating nightclub, Thekla’s namesake from the first century is far more fascinating. The Acts of Thecla, a text which made the rounds of the early Christian church in the second and third centuries, recounts the adventures of Paul’s first groupie, a besotted wench called Thecla whose exploits made her a popular saint right up to the Middle Ages.

The narrative kicks off with Paul preaching a variation of the Beatitudes at a house in Iconium (modern day Konya, in Turkey), which include the lines:

“Blessed are those who have kept their flesh chaste… Blessed are those who have wives as if they did not have them… Blessed are the bodies of virgins…” (Acts of Thecla 5 and 6)

In the crowd is a young woman named Thecla, who hears Paul’s anti-sex rantings and immediately decides that no dirty male member is coming near her lady-bits in future. This comes as a bit of a blow to her fiancé Thamyris, who was no doubt looking forward to getting his end away on the wedding night, and also to Thecla’s mother, who was hoping that a family alliance with the wealthy Thamyris would sort the family’s cashflow problems once and for all. The two of them conspire to have Paul summoned before the governor of Iconium, on a charge of “corrupting men’s wives”, a move backed by many prominent (and now sexually frustrated) men of the city. Paul naturally falls back on his usual, “God’s on my side, so fuck off,” approach to legal defence, and gets tossed in the dungeon for his trouble. Her, he is visited by the besotted Thecla, who bribes her way into the prison and increases her faith by “kissing his chains”.

(Now I’m being completely speculative here, but I do find myself wondering if perhaps there might be a grain of truth behind this fiction. Here we have a rather kinky scene where a chained and bound Paul is being visited at night by a young woman, having been imprisoned on a charge of “corrupting other men’s wives.” Is it possible that perhaps the apostle’s adventures in Iconium were a little more, well, human than the Acts of Thecla suggests, and could this book perhaps be a gloss on a rather more sordid series of events? Especially when Thamyris and his associates go looking for Thecla, and find her in the jail “bound together with Paul in affection.” Maybe I just have a filthy mind, but still…)

Whether there was any sexual aspect to their relationship or not, Thecla is clearly obsessed with Paul. When he is taken to trial, she spends her time rolling on the floor of the cell where he was sitting, and when summoned to give evidence she says nothing, but simply gazes at Paul adoringly.

Having established Thecla as a character, the narrative moves on to the fun stuff. Thecla is sentenced to be burned at the stake (Paul just gets flogged and exiled – again. The man was persona non grata in about half the civilised world – it’s no wonder he had to write so many letters!). God, being impressed by Thecla’s attitude, sends a massive hailstorm to douse the flames, and so our heroine makes her escape. Meeting up again with Paul, who has camped out in an open tomb, she requests that he baptise her. Paul, for reasons best known to himself, refuses, and the two head off to Antioch.

(Again, I’m reading between the lines here, but it could be that Paul’s refusal to baptise Thecla has something to do with their relationship. Thecla claims that, if baptised, “no temptation will touch me”, in response to Paul’s claim that, “you are beautiful; another temptation may overtake you, worse than the first.” In other words, Paul is deliberately leaving Thecla open to “temptation”, and possibly worse…)

The two of them head to Antioch together, where a citizen named Alexander develops something of a crush on Thecla. Paul, proving himself to be a complete arse, claims he doesn’t know her, and abandons her to be raped by Alexander. Being a feisty young thing, she wriggles free of his clutches, and knocks his crown off, making him something of a laughing stock among the local gentry. In a truly horrifying example of the parochial society of the time, Thecla is sentenced to be ripped apart by wild beasts for this misdemeanour – good legal system they have in Antioch!

Luckily for our heroine, she gets taken in by a local queen named Tryphaena, who is convinced of Thecla’s innocence after she sees her unharmed after being tied to a lioness. It takes a small army to storm Tryphaena’s house and drag Thecla off to the stadium, but drag her off they do, stripping her naked except for a linen undergarment and throwing her to the beasts. Once again though, lionesses turn out to be good pets for would-be martyrs, since one of the lionesses protects Thecla from the other animals, at least until it gets killed by another lion.

At this point, the circus director really pulls the stops out, and just chucks every animal in his menagerie at Thecla, including a giant vat of man-eating seals (???). Delighted by the sight of what (to her) is a baptismal pool, Thecla dives into the water to baptise herself. But the seals! The terrible man-eating seals! (seriously, what the hell kind of threat is a seal? The only one which might pose a threat to humans is the Antarctic leopard seal, and how the hell would the first-century Turks have got hold of one of them?) It’s okay, God zaps the pool with lightening, which kills the seals but leaves Thecla miraculously unharmed. Conveniently for the reader’s titillation, it also blows all her remaining clothes off – but raises a large cloud of steam so that no-one can see her naked.

The rest of the wild animals are overcome by perfumes tossed into the arena by the local women, so Thecla is able to emerge unscathed. Alexander the would-be rapist is not too chuffed, however, so he has her tied between two fierce bulls, and then sets light to the animals’ genitalia. Someone made a bit of a cock-up in the process, though, since the fire burns off Thecla’s bindings and she survives one again.

Before Alexander and the governor can come up with yet more inventive methods of execution, Queen Tryphaena passes out from the stress of it all. Thinking that she has died, Alexander and the governor are thrown into a panic – it turns out that Tryphaena is a close relative of Caesar, who will be less than pleased to hear of her death. They decide it would be best to release Thecla, and send her on her way.

Where is Paul whilst all this is going on? Well, he’s up the road in the city of Myra. We know this, because Thecla’s first act on leaving Antioch is – surprise, surprise – to go hunting for her paramour. When she tracks him down, Paul is astonished (he thought he’d got shot of the crazy stalker bitch in Antioch). Having established that she hasn’t fallen from grace, he gets rid of her by sending her back to Iconium to preach to the church there. Thamyris has died by this point, so there’s no pesky ex-fiancé to mess things up this time, and Thecla spends the rest of her days recounting her story and spreading Christianity across Turkey.

The Acts of Thecla is a great read, but one has to consider that, whilst it does have a strong message of female empowerment (Thecla is repeatedly rescued by women, even by female lions), it reads at times like a second-century erotic novel, full of sex (even as it condemns sexuality), nudity and a heroine who spends most of the narrative tied up and in peril. And, as I’ve outlined above, if this is indeed a myth based in real events, Paul does not come out smelling of roses. You can read the whole thing yourself here – note especially the great description of Paul in Chapter 3:

“a man… of a small stature with meeting eyebrows, bald head, bow- legged, strongly built, hollow-eyed, with a large crooked nose”.

What a catch, eh, Thecla?

Oi, Jews! Yer doin’ it WRONG!

I think it’s safe to say that the “Darwin led to Hitler” argument, as espoused by Ben Stein, has been well and truly debunked, so I’m not going to dive into it here. I do find it ironic, however, that Christians would love to find the roots of anti-Semitism in their trusty bugbear of evolution. The hatred of Jews can be shown to stem directly from the early days of Christianity, when that fledgling faith was trying to determine whether it was simply an offshoot of Judaism or a whole new religion. Since the eventual winners of the inter-doctrinal debate were the followers of Paul, who preached that the sacrifice of Jesus nullified the old Jewish Law, it was assumed that Judaism was no longer the way to God it had once been, and that Christianity had the truth of the matter. Mix into that the idea that Jesus was killed by the Jews (cf. Matt 27:25) and you already have the makings of a fine old anti-Semitic rant.

There were those among the early Christians, however, who went to an even greater extreme than Paul in denying the tenets of Judaism. Nowhere is this more clearly seen than in the Epistle of Barnabas, a apocryphal letter purportedly written (though definitely pseudonymous) by Paul’s travelling companion from Acts.

The Epistle of Barnabas takes to an extreme the idea that the Jewish religion is wrong. Rather than assuming, as Paul did, that the ways of Judaism were correct until Jesus superseded them, the author of Barnabas argues that they were wrong from the very start, and that the whole of the Jewish faith is based on a misreading of the Old Testament. To demonstrate this, he presents his own interpretation of the Scriptures, based on the Christian theology of the time – it makes for interesting reading…

Barnabas kicks off by establishing the pointlessness of sacrifice. In his worldview, the Jews have been sacrificing the wrong things. God doesn’t want animals to be slaughtered for Him – instead, the requirement for sacrifice demands that we make a spiritual sacrifice. “A sacrifice [pleasing] to God is a broken spirit; a smell of sweet savour to the Lord is a heart that glorifieth Him that made it” (Barnabas 2:4). Fasting, too, has been misinterpreted by the Jews – again, when Yahweh suggested that His people might like to refrain from eating, what He meant was that they “should loose every band of iniquity, untie the fastenings of harsh agreements, restore to liberty them that are bruised, tear in pieces every unjust engagement, feed the hungry with thy bread, clothe the naked when thou seest him, bring the homeless into thy house, not despise the humble if thou behold him, and not [turn away] from the members of thine own family” (Barnabas 3:7). Again, the Torah was supposed to be interpreted allegorically, in a spiritual rather than a temporal sense.

After this, Barney really gets into his stride. Why were the Jews wrong? Well, because they covenant they were so proud of never really existed. See, when Moses came down Mount Sinai the first time, equipped with the stone tablets inscribed with God’s Law, he found the Israelites worshipping a certain gilded bovine idol, and smashed the tablets in a bit of a tantrum (you all know the story, it’s in Exodus 32). This, by Barnabas’ reckoning, was part of God’s plan and invalidates the whole arrangement. Thus, all subsequent attempts to follow the laws of Moses were doomed to failure. This idea is at the core of the Epistle – the Jews have been doing it wrong for centuries, and will be in for a seriously bad time of it come Judgement Day.

The most seriously out-there interpretation of Scripture which Barnabas gets to grips with concerns the ritual of circumcision. Silly Jews! scoffs Barney, God didn’t mean that you had to chop the end of your tadger off! No, the real meaning behind circumcision is much more obvious. You see, Abraham, who was the first to indulge in the practice, circumcised his entire household, which numbered 318 men. If you convert 318 into Greek letters, you get Tau, Iota, Eta. Tau is T shaped, a bit like the cross. Iota and Eta are the first two letters of Jesus name, in its Greek form. So by circumcising 318 men, Abraham was anticipating the death of Jesus on the cross! Nothing to do with foreskins at all. What a cock-up by the Jews! The author is clearly pretty pleased with this bit of detective work: “No one has been admitted by me to a more excellent piece of knowledge than this, but I know that ye are worthy” (Barnabas 9:5-6)

However, the best bit in Barnabas concerns his spin on Leviticus 11, the list of creatures that the Israelites are and aren’t allowed to eat. Admittedly, this is a bit of a weird passage to begin with – how many people ever get tempted to chow down on a hyrax anyway? – but this guy takes what seems to be a fairly straightforward section of scripture and really runs with it. Pigs are off the menu because Moses doesn’t want you to associate with dirty, greedy, lazy people – not so much don’t eat pigs as don’t hang out with them. Hawks, kites and ravens are scavengers, and live off the work of others, so don’t associate with freeloaders. Lampreys and cuttlefish are metaphors for the ungodly, because they live in the mud. It gets better. Hares are verboten because they have too much sex, even growing extra orifices for the purposes of copulation (not that great on the biology, there, Barnabas… He also seems to think that hares are gay child molesters: “Thou shall not be a corrupter of boys, nor like unto such” (Barnabas 10:11)). Hyenas change sex every year (WTF?), so the prohibition on hyena meat is meant to warn us against transsexuals. Capping this big old biology fail, though, is the proscription against weasels. Weasels, y’see, copulate orally, so by warning us off the weasel kebabs (how else would you cook a weasel?), Moses is telling us that blow jobs are a big no-no. And those silly Jews thought he was talking about cookery!

There’s a whole load more “interpretation” in Barnabas (every mention of water in the OT prefigures baptism, the Sabbath is all about the end of the world, the covenant the Jews were supposed to receive is now given over to Christians), and the book then concludes with a long list of virtues to pursue and vices to avoid. It didn’t make it into the Bible because it was too obvious a forgery (the original dates to about a century after Paul, so it couldn’t possibly have been written by the original Barnabas), but the interpretative tradition which it encapsulated is still common in Christianity today. The author of Barnabas just takes it that one step further, to point out the error of the Jewish religion and to encourage his followers to abhor Judaism and its blunders. In doing so, he sets his feet on a path that would guide anti-Jewish bigotry to the heart of Christian theology, and, in a long and roundabout way, lead to Nazi Germany far more directly than Darwinism ever could.

At least it’s warm…

Once again, I’m delving into Bart D. Ehrman’s Lost Scriptures, to bring you another of the books that failed to make the New Testament. This week, it’s the Apocalypse of Paul. Although Revelation was the only one to make it into the Bible proper, there are actually a number of early Christian writings on the end of the world, including the famous Shepherd of Hermas and others attributed to (but almost certainly not authored by) John, Phillip and Peter. All are similar in style, and all are no doubt based on Jesus’ words in Matthew 24:34: “Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.” The early Church believed that Armageddon was just around the corner, and so their writings reflect the imminence of the coming Judgment. Ebon Musings has an interesting essay on the subject, if you want to read more about it.

The Apocalypse of Paul is similar in many ways to Dante’s Divine Comedy, depicting the author’s sightseeing trip through Heaven and Hell. I’m going to concentrate on Chapters 31-39 (the Hell part of the journey), since I consider these the most entertaining. We join the tour as they depart Heaven for “the other place”…

31. “And just below us now, ladies and gentlemen, you will be able to see the great ocean that supports Heaven – yes, it does look a bit choppy sir, best to hold on to the safety harness – as we leave the River of Milk and Honey behind us. It was indeed very sticky, madam, but I’m sure those stains will come right out. You should be able to see the far border of the ocean up ahead, and that is where we’re headed now; it’s the part of the tour you’ve all been looking forward to, the tortures of the sinners and the godless. It is dark, yes sir, but no need to fret, just keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle. Now to your left, you can see a river boiling with fire, really quite a spectacular sight. Those people in it, well, they are the ones we couldn’t really decide about, being neither among the just or the godless. In life, they spent a fair amount of time in prayer and in church, but also indulged in a spot of fornication – yes madam, you may well look shocked – so we decided, on balance, to drop them down here. Administrative oversight, you see – we don’t really have a place for half-and-halfers, so we just pack them off to eternal torture to be on the safe side.”

32. “The pits you see coming up on the right hand side are a real geological marvel – why, if you fell into one of those, sir, it would take you upwards of fifty years to hit the bottom! Of course, they are getting pretty full now, what with all the damned souls we keep shovelling in. Three thousand cubits down, and still we need more space! As you can see, there’s no lack of folk in there, although the ones at the bottom must be getting pretty uncomfortable by now! What’s that, sir? Yes, I imagine they are rather regretting not trusting in Jesus now.”

33. “I know it’s upsetting sir, but really, there’s no need to cry. After all, they had a choice – free will and all that – and God’s a nice chap. Eternal torture seems pretty reasonable when you consider that they weren’t Christians, don’t you agree?”

34. “Ah, now here are a couple of Tartaruchian angels hard at work. As you can see, they’re using that hooked device to pull out the bowels of this elderly gentleman – terribly efficient bit of kit. He was a presbyter who didn’t do a good job in his ministry; we like to think of this as a form of motivation for the staff.”

35. “Oh, look, there’s a soul trying to get away! The angels are after him… there, that’s better. Back in the lake of fire with you, Bishop! Yes, madam, that was a bishop – again, the CEO was a bit disappointed with his performance, so it’s fire and stoning for him for the rest of eternity.”

36. “And to conclude our performance review section, here’s a deacon who committed fornication. Yes, I can assure you those are real maggots eating his face. As you can see, we’ve also nailed his hands to the wall for good measure. Oh, and here’s a new arrival – this gentleman read the Gospel out to his congregation but did not practice it, and that’s why the angel there is cutting off his lips and tongue. No more reading aloud for him! I imagine mealtimes will be a little awkward now, as well.”

38. “Oh you’ll like this, ladies and gentlemen. Coming up on our left are the witches and magicians, drowning in a lake of blood. Look at the way they thrash about! And to the right, you can see a group of adulterers – difficult to make them out, in all that fire, but if you look closely… did you see madam? No, third degree facial burns aren’t very pretty, I know.”

39. “Now these naughty little girls gave up their virginity out of wedlock, hence the flaming chains around their necks. I must confess, I’m not entirely sure where the angels are taking them, but rest assured, wherever they go, they’ll be very sorry! And here you can see some folk who didn’t give enough to charity, the blocks of ice around their feet are very uncomfortable, I can tell you. We like to cover them with maggots every now and then as well, just for variation.

Oh, this is one of my personal favourites – we borrowed this idea from the Greeks. Do you see how hungry and thirsty they look? We’ve hung them over a big pool of water and surrounded them with food, but – and here’s the genius of it – they aren’t allowed to eat or drink! Not bad, eh? And the clever part, the really clever part is, their sin was that they didn’t do enough fasting when they were alive. That was the brainchild of the IPD – the Ironic Punishments Division – and they’re especially proud of it.

We’re almost at the end of our tour now, but there are a couple more things to see… To your left, we have a small group who visited prostitutes – as you can see, we’ve hung them up by their hair – jolly uncomfortable, that. What’s that, sir? Hanging them by their genitals? Well, that is a splendid idea – I’ll be sure to mention it to the IPD chaps this afternoon. Oh, and just before we miss it – on the right, the homosexuals, in their pit of pitch and sulphur – I suggest you hold your noses as we go past. That’s right sir, buggery is a capital offence in God’s eyes – the anus is a one-way street as far as He’s concerned.

That just about wraps up our little tour, ladies and gents – the gift shop is on your right as you leave, be sure to pick up all your belongings before you leave the vehicle. Thanks for travelling with “Paul’s Fucked-Up Imagination” Tours, and we look forward to seeing you all in the next life…”

Smackdown!

Since the Gospel of Thomas was so well received, here’s another example of one of the lost books of the New Testament – The Acts Of Peter. Rather than a story about Jesus, this is similar in scope to the Acts Of The Apostles, focussing on Peter and his visit to Rome. More importantly, it deals with the rivalry between Peter and his nemesis, Simon Magus, who regular Bible readers will remember as the man who offered the disciples money in exchange for magic powers (Acts 8:9-24). Simon was the leader of a heretical sect of Gnostic Christianity, and was something of a thorn in the side of the early church, being both highly charismatic and (allegedly) possessed of miraculous abilities similar to those of Jesus. His cult generally regarded him as another manifestation of Christ. Peter, in this story, takes Simon on in a magical battle to determine who is the real Messiah. In this retelling, I’ve edited out some of the long sermons that Peter keeps interjecting and, for the sake of brevity, restricted the narrative to the actual contest between Peter and Simon – the story of Peter’s trial and crucifixion is also contained in the full text of the document, but I’m leaving that out. Read the book if you’re interested.

We join our tale at the house of Marcellus, once a good Christian but now converted to the evils of Simon Magus. Simon is staying in Marcellus’ house, and Peter, who has just arrived in Rome, wants a word with him…

“Doorman,” said Peter, “I want a word with that Simon fellow who’s staying in this house. Be a good chap and fetch him out here, would you?” The doorman vacillated. “I dunno sir,” he replied. “I mean, you might be Peter, or you might not, I dunno. But that Simon bloke, ‘ee said if you woz to come round, I woz to tell you that he’s not in. ‘Ee said I woz to say that, wevver ‘ee was in, “(he winked elaborately), “or not.”

Peter got the doorman’s gist at once. “Jolly good show, doorman!” he said. “Now watch this, chaps!” He called over a large dog that was nearby, and spoke to it, saying, “Right Fido, old chum, let’s play a game of ‘Fetch’. You’re to go into this house, and ‘fetch’ that charlatan Simon out here, so I can give him a damn good thrashing, what?” To the amazement of the surrounding crowd (word had got out that something odd was going down at Marcellus’ house), the dog replied in perfect English (well, Latin, probably): “Roight you are sah!” It ran into the house, and began berating Simon. “Yoo ‘orrible little man!” the dog ranted. “Wot the ‘ell do you fink you’re doing, ‘iding in ‘ere? I’ve ‘alf a mind ta wipe the floor wiv you! Now git your arse outside, ‘coz Peter’s ‘ere and ‘ee ain’t too ‘appy wiv you, sunshine!” Simon was dumbstruck, and tried to hide.

Marcellus, impressed by the talking dog trick (ventriloquism had yet to catch on in Rome), rushed out and begged Peter for forgiveness, falling on his knees and offering money, property and even his family to Peter. “Bear up, lad” said Peter. “Stiff upper lip and all that. I’ll straighten it all out with God, you’ll be fine. Do stop crying, old boy, you’re causing quite a scene.”

Meanwhile, inside Simon and the dog were still arguing. “Tell him I’m out,” cried Simon, whilst he clambered up on the sofa. “You worthless piece of shite,” snarled the dog. “You useless little bastard! Scared are yer? Wossa matter, Mummy didn’t cuddle you enuff? I’ll tell you right nah, sunshine, you’re gonna git wot’s coming to yer, and no mistake!” With that, the dog ran back outside to Peter. “You’ve got a right one there, mate,” it said. “Best o’ luck to yer, Pete, me old mucker. Now it’s time fer me ta pop me clogs.” And with that, Fido expired. “Wow,” exclaimed the bystanders, who were highly impressed by Peter’s talking dog trick. “Show us another!”

“Well, no-one likes a show off,” smiled Peter knowingly, “but since you all asked so nicely…” and he turned to a smoked tuna fish that was hanging nearby. “Tell you what, ladies and gents,” he said. “How’s about I make this tatty old tuna fish come back to life? That would be a pretty splendid wheeze, what?” He dropped the tuna in a conveniently situated pond, and sure enough, it began swimming around (how it managed to survive in fresh water is still a mystery, but hey, anything’s possible with Jesus, right?). Everyone applauded. “David Blaine can kiss my arse,” said one man, “this Peter guy is the bomb!”

Marcellus, impressed by the fish trick, finally kicked Simon the freeloader out of his house. Simon went over to where Peter was staying, and shouted from outside: “Right Peter, you fucking asked for it! Get out here and let’s do this, mano-a-mano!” Rather than coming out himself, Peter sent down a woman with a small baby. When she came face to face with Simon, the baby spoke up: “Simon,” it said, matter-of-factly, “this Saturday, you and Peter are going to have it out. Until then, though, you’ll be unable to speak, just to teach you a lesson.” And Simon was struck dumb.

That weekend, at the Colosseum…

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this week’s live match-up between Simon “The Magus” of Gitta and Peter “The Rock” the Apostle! We’ve been waiting for this grudge match all week, and now the feathers are really gonna fly! Peter has been talking up his game all week, and today we get to see who the real Messiah’s gonna be! So strap yourselves in… and LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!”

“The prefect’s slave has been sent out onto the pitch… wait, it looks like Simon’s whispering something to him… he’s stepping back… OH MY GOD HE’S DOWN! Simon has literally killed that slave with a word! And the crowd has gone nuts! There’s a pitch invasion! Wait… okay, it’s just one old lady. And she’s headed for Peter! What’s… what’s she saying? I can’t quite make it out, it sounds like… her son is what? Dead? Ladies and gentlemen, it seems this lady’s son is dead, and, wait… they’re going to fetch him! They’re going to fetch the body! This is a real curveball from Peter, he’s not dealing with the slave at all, he’s going for the dead son approach… it’s unorthodox, but he might really pull something off with this one… Whilst they fetch the body, here’s a short commercial break, but stay tuned – we’ll be right back!”

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“Welcome back to the Magus/Apostle fight! Before the break, Peter had requested a dead boy be brought to the stadium and he’s here now… but Peter’s going back to the slave! Yes, yes… he’s definitely heading slave-wards… Agrippa the prefect’s looking annoyed… seems he really liked that slave boy, if you know what I mean… What? We’ve all heard the rumours! Anyway, Paul is doing some praying… he’s taking Agrippa over to the corpse… WOAH! HE’S UP! I repeat, the slave is UP! It’s a genuine resurrection here folks, that is something you don’t see every day! Wow! He’s moving to the woman’s dead son now… AND AGAIN! Peter is two-for-two! Double resurrection action! Oh boy, we are all really excited here I can tell you. Stay tuned now… we’ll be right back!”

*********************

“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. In another twist to this epic battle, the corpse of senator Nicostratus has been brought in. A hush has fallen over the stadium… Simon Magus is up next. He’s moving over to the body… he looks pretty hesitant…he’s doing something… WOAH! That is spooky! Did you see it? Hang on, let’s get a replay… yes, THERE! The dead man moved his head, and it looked like, it looked like his eyes opened for a moment there! The crowd are impressed – they’re already gathering the wood to burn Peter! But he’s addressing them… wait… can we get a mic over there?”

“… bit off, don’t you think? I say, chaps, put me down! Look, it’s a trick, you silly duffers, it’s just a simple parlour trick! I’ll tell you what (I say, do you mind watching where you stick that branch, old bean?), I’ll tell you what, if Mr Nicostratus, is really alive again, let’s have a little chat with him, shall we? A little tete-a-tete? Or better yet, just ask that Simon fellow to step back a few paces…”

“And Agrippa has stepped in, ladies and gents, he’s pushing Simon out of the way – and Nicostratus is down! Oh yes, that is one dead dude, he’s not going anywhere. And now Peter… Peter’s getting the crowd to promise something… he wants them NOT to burn Simon! Oh wow, this is that Christian forgiveness we keep hearing about – he’s letting his opponent off the hook… oh hang on… no, no, it seems he’s telling them to WAIT to burn Simon – it seems Peter’s not finished putting the smackdown on Mr Magus yet! And just to rub salt in wound… he’s raising Nicostratus! That’s a resurrection hat-trick for Peter!”

“The players are retiring now… it seems Simon has promised to do some flying when he gets back – now that I’d like to see. We’ll be back, after these messages…”

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“Well, here we are at the climax of this fight – and Simon’s gonna be showing us something special tonight! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, Simon Magus is going to FLY up to Heaven. That’s a BIG claim, and we’re all here to see if he can be as good as his word. There’s a hush over the crowd… Simon is standing there alone in the middle of the auditorium, he’s not moving… wait… there’s something… OH MY WORD HE’S OFF THE GROUND! I can’t believe what I’m seeing here! Simon is actually flying! Up, up he goes… and wait, Peter’s doing something now… he’s praying… Simon is really high now… and Peter’s… Peter’s still prayi… OH! HOLY SHIT! Simon’s down! I repeat, Simon is down, down, down, he’s fallen out of the sky… the paramedics are running over now, but that did not look good… And Simon’s follower Gemmellus is running over to him… wait, he’s kicking him? Now Gemellus is running over to join Peter… well it looks like Simon’s battle for the championship is over – the crowd are pelting him with stones… Man, I would NOT like to be a part of Team Magus today, even Gemellus is jumping ship! Peter the Apostle wins the day! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for… PETER, “THE ROCK” THE APOSTLE!!!”

Jesus needs Ritalin

I’ve recently been reading Bart Ehrman’s Lost Scriptures, which is a collection of gnostic and otherwise non-canonical early Christian writings – the stuff the Church Fathers didn’t want you to see, in other words. A book review would be a bit pointless, given that there’s no real commentary on the texts, so instead I’ve been inspired by Resurrecting Reason‘s No-Bullshit Bible series to summarise some of my favourite passages. Over the next few weeks, then, I”l drop you some of the choice tidbits from the New Testament They Tried To Ban. Today, it’s the Infancy Gospel of Thomas.

1. Hi, my name’s Thomas, I’m an Israelite (and may well be identifiable as Judas Didymus Thomas whom early Christians believed to have been Jesus’ brother). Here’s some stories about our kid when he was just a little ‘un. What a scamp he was!

2. So one day, whilst Jesus was messing about in the mud, as five-year-olds love to do, he made some mud sparrows (his sculptural talent was such that even his five-year-old works in mud were recognisable by species). A Jew came along and took umbrage because it was the Sabbath, and kids aren’t allowed to make mud sparrows on the Sabbath (it’s somewhere in Deuteronomy, probably…), so Jesus, like any child, wished to dispose of the evidence of his wrongdoing. He clapped his hands and the sparrows flew away. The passing Jew was very impressed.

3. The son of Annas the scribe splashed around in Jesus’ mud pool with a branch, so Jesus had a hissy fit and cursed him. The poor boy shriveled up like a slug in a salt cellar. His parents were very pissed off, and confronted Joseph at the next PTA meeting, saying, “What the hell is wrong with you people? Haven’t you seen the Supernanny TV show?”

4. Later on, Jesus got jostled by another child, so he killed him. Like I said earlier, young Jesus was a bit of a scamp! This child’s parents were also royally hacked off at Mary and Joseph’s poor parenting skills. “If you can’t rein in that boy of yours,” they said, “get the hell out of our village!”

5. Joseph had a little father-son chat with Jesus. “Look, son,” he said, “could you perhaps hold off on the cursing and the murder? The neighbours are really up in arms about it – it’s worse than when your brother James put a football through old Mr. Yeshvim’s front window. Any chance you could, y’know, take it down a notch?” Jesus response was typical of his actions to date. “I know who told you to say this, Dad”, he replied, “and so I won’t hurt you, but those tell-tales are gonna suffer!” Immediately, everyone who complained was struck blind. Joseph tweaked Jesus ear as punishment. “That was a big mistake, Dad”, growled the boy threateningly. “I’m warning you, DON’T PISS ME OFF.”

6. Zachaeus the teacher happened to witness this incident, and, believing that education was a good cure for delinquency, offered to teach Jesus how to read and write. He dutifully taught Jesus the Greek alphabet, only to have the boy turn to him and say, “You don’t know shit, Gramps! The letter A is pointy at the top, and has a cross-bar – it’s just like a triangle. Bet you didn’t know that, you old fart!”

7. Zachaeus was (bizarrely) impressed with Jesus intuitive grasp of the letter A, and begged Joseph to take him away. “I’m befuddled”, he said, “this kid is way out of my league. Now I look like a right arse.”

8. Jesus, having proved his point, had a bit of a chuckle and then unblinded everyone he had cursed previously. After that, everyone was afraid of him, worrying that if they pissed him off he might lay some freaky juju shit on them.

9. Some days later Jesus and his friends (yes, he still had some, in spite of being an insufferable little git) were playing on a roof and one of them, Zenon, fell off and died. Given Jesus’ track record with anger management issues, Zenon’s parents blamed him straightaway. “It wasn’t MY fault,” said Jesus. “Zenon, tell them!” Straightaway, the dead boy got up and corroborated Jesus’ story. Everyone was impressed.

10. The following week, a clumsy woodcutter dropped an axe on his foot, but Jesus healed it.

11. When he was six, he broke his mother’s water jar, but solved the issue by carrying water in his cloak instead. His mother, far from scolding him for breaking her crockery (hell, she was probably pretty scared of her Damien-like son by now) kissed him and keep her mouth shut about the affair.

12. When he was eight, Jesus went out into the fields to thresh wheat. Determined to show off, he returned with a hundred bushels, which he then handed out in the marketplace.

13. Joseph, as we all know, was a carpenter by trade. Not a very good one, however. In the process of making a yoke for the local gentleman-farmer, cack-handed Joseph realised he’d sawn one of his planks too short. Thankfully, the boy-wonder was available – Jesus stretched the plank with his hands until it was the right length. Joseph decided to keep the kid around in the workshop, in case his “measure twice, cut onc… ah, fuck it, I’ll just guess” approach to carpentry didn’t work out.

14. Joseph sent Jesus off to another local teacher, given that Zachaeus hadn’t worked out so well. The new teacher was clearly a recent arrival and obviously hadn’t heard about Mary and Joseph’s demon-child, since when Jesus answered him back he clipped the boy around the ear. Jesus, again displaying the “turn the other cheek’ mentality that so characterised his childhood, killed his teacher. “Bloody hell, Mary,” said Joseph that night, “stop letting the kid out of the house, he’s racking up a kill count that Hannibal freaking Lecter would envy.”

15. Some time after this, another teacher approached Joseph. “I hear you’ve got an unteachable son,” he said. “I’ve just finished a course in the latest psychology of education techniques, and I think I may be able to help.” Joseph shrugged. “Your funeral, mate,” he said.

At the school, Jesus picked up a book, but instead of reading it he began preaching the Old Testament to the rest of the class. Someone went over to Joseph’s place and told him something weird was going on at the school. Joseph, fearing that his homicidal stepson might be about to embark on another killing spree, ran to the schoolhouse, but when he got there the teacher told him to chill out. “You have a smart boy there, Mr Joseph,” said the teacher with a knowing wink, “but I can’t teach him anything, he’s too bright”. Jesus , taken in by this bit of reverse psychology, smiled and said, “Well done teacher, at last someone recognises that I’m the best. Respect ma authoritah! As a favour, then, I’ll let the other teacher that I killed in Chapter 14 come back to life.” And he did.

16. Once, Jesus brother James got bitten by a snake, but when Jesus laid hands on him the poison was neutralised and the snake (because it wouldn’t be a good story if Jesus didn’t kill something) exploded.

17. Another time a baby died (as was fairly normal in first-century Palestine), but Jesus brought it back to life. He then went off to play with the other children, who, by this time, probably shit themselves with fear every time he passed by.

18. A man died on a building site. “Get back to work!” said Jesus, so the man came back to life and did so.

19. When Jesus was twelve, the whole family went to Jerusalem for the Passover celebration. Jesus disappeared from the caravan when they arrived, and Mary and Joseph, frantic with worry (in their minds’ eye they could see the death toll mounting…), looked everywhere for him. Eventually they found him in the Temple, teaching the priests about the Law. His mother scolded him for running off, but Jesus said, “Ah, shut it, Mum! You should have looked here first, since my Father is God and this is His house. Dur!” The priests told Mary how smart her child was. She took him home, where he grew to manhood, attended some anger-management classes and after much therapy, was ready to rejoin society…

THE END

One can see why this book didn’t make it into the New Testament! It is, of course, completely mythical, but it does shed an interesting light on the mentality of the early Christians who wrote it. Their ideal Saviour is a spoilt, arrogant, ethically deviant serial killer, with recognisable symptoms of ADHD, psychopathy and narcissistic personality disorder. You have to wonder what kind of mind sees this little monster as the future hope of the world.