Ah, the merry month of May. Well, not so merry if you’re on fire, or suffering from a hideous wasting disease – but thankfully you can avoid such perils merely by heeding the advice in the following extremely accurate predictions.*

Aries:
Have you ever had one of those dreams where you find yourself at work, naked, with all your co-workers standing around laughing at you? Well, next Tuesday, it won’t be a dream.

Taurus:
Now is the time to take risks and burn bridges. Tell your boss what you really think of him, disinherit your children, bet your house on the gee-gees, buy a one-way ticket to Madagascar, or start a fight in your local biker bar. This is the way to find out what living is all about! You can thank me later, when you get back from scraping lemurs out of your bloodied wounds.

Gemini:
You wouldn’t think a simple spelling error could herald the start of a madcap adventure involving naked dwarves, a Chinese Barry Manilow impersonator, a crate of whippets and a crazy high speed journey around the world – and you’d be right, that isn’t going to happen to you this month. In fact, the only thing you’ll mis-spell in May is the word “pusillanimous”, and the only effect will be to make you look a bit pretentious and not very bright. Maybe you should lay off all those highbrow documentaries on economics. Your lucky Lord Of The Rings backdrop is the Hornburg.

Cancer:
A strange mound which appears in your back garden this month will have you calling for the mole-exterminators, but there’s not much they can do – it’s actually the tip of a new volcano. Cursing Bobby Jindal the whole time, you will be forced to watch as your immaculate lawn is systematically consumed by flowing rivulets of red-hot magma, and your garden gnomes melt in the intense heat. On the positive side, the volcano will cap out and go extinct at a little over 2000 feet, and in winter it will be excellent for tobogganing.

Leo:
Yours is a sad and lonely fate this month, as Mercury rises in Capricorn and buggers your love life forever. Under the planet’s ethereal influence, you will leave your current partner and shack up with a swan, who treats you like dirt and doesn’t reciprocate your affections. The swan will soon leave you for another swan, and you will be left a haggard shadow of your former self, doomed to lick the wounds of your failed Cygnus romance for the rest of your miserable existence. Eventually, you will manage to piece your shattered life back together, and get it on with a mallard – but you will never truly love again.

Virgo:
Don’t worry, lots of people think your hair looks very attractive that way. Maybe lose the earrings, though – dead squirrels are so 2007. And they smell a bit funny. Your lucky Act of Parliament is the Taxation of Chargable Gains Act, 1992.


Libra:
Right, I think I’ve got the hang of this I Ching thing. First, I have to count a bunch of twigs… then I put half of them in a pile over here, and – ah, shit, I’ve lost count. Let’s say there were forty-seven of the buggers. Divide by nine, carry the two… Okay, now I have to draw some lines – bit fiddly, with my hands full of twigs – okay, now this line is supposed to turn into that line, which means I have to looks something up… Crap, I’ve dropped the twigs again. What’s this bit say? “The wise man looks around the field.” Oh, hang on, no, I think I got something wrong in the maths earlier. Now I have to look something else up… Damn it, this is too hard! It’s all mumbo-jumbo about wind and dragons and shit anyway. Here’s your fortune: don’t bother with the fucking I Ching, it’s bollocks. Your lucky book is anything that isn’t the I-freakin’-Ching.

Scorpio:
Flashbacks to the Boer War will dominate your life for the next couple of weeks. You would do well to try and ignore them, and attempt to continue living as normal a life as possible. Try to avoid shouting, “Zulus! Faahsands of ‘em!” in crowded public places, for example, especially since the Zulus weren’t actually involved in the Boer War. Steer clear of any military souvenir shops, as well, since you’re more than likely to feel compelled to spend money on a flintlock rifle that you don’t really need.

Sagittarius:
Don’t throw away your old trousers just because the crotch is wearing thin! With a pair of scissors and some rudimentary needlework skills, you can convert them into an attractive pair of chaps. You’ll be all the rage at the next Cowboys and Injuns fancy-dress party!

This suggestion works better with leather trousers – gold lame MC Hammer pantaloons don’t really give the same results.

Capricorn:
A disagreement with your neighbour will ensue this week, when he builds a trebuchet and starts catapaulting dead llamas into your back garden. Since planning laws don’t appear to cover this issue, the local council will do nothing to help, and you’ll have to rely on your own initiative. Fortifying your home with a thirty-foot stone rampart will prove an effective (if costly) solution, but once he starts building a seige tower you’ll have real trouble repelling his assaults. Attempting to find a diplomatic solution, you discover that this was, in fact, just a rather ill-considered way for your neighbour to ask if he could borrow your hedge-trimmer. Lend it to him, and he can stop work on the giant arbalest which has begun taking shape on his patio. Your lucky Lego brick is a three-by-two-peg in red.

Aquarius:
The horoscope for Aquarius this month is really good. I’m talking sex-with-rock-stars good, I mean, totally positive, it’s all going to go swimmingly for you, baby! Of course, being an Aquarius, you’re not reading this – too busy with those popular, fun atheists over at Pharyngula or somewhere, no doubt. So I can pretty much say what the hell I like about your future, and you’ll never know.

I wish I was an Aquarius…

Pisces:


I thought I could do
your horoscope in haiku
But it was too short

*Please note that all actions are taken at the reader’s own risk and that Right To Think is not responsible for any maiming, loss of vision, burns, death, bankruptcy or global disasters that may result from following the advice given.