It seems to make no difference – whatever I put up on the internet, the posts which garner the most traffic for me are, without a doubt, The World’s First Completely Accurate Horoscope. Probably, and The World’s Most Accurate Horoscope (Redux). It’s amazing how often the words “accurate” and “horoscope” appear together in Google searches; and ironic, considering that (and I’m directing this statement to all those who found this page whilst searching for “accurate horoscopes”) ASTROLOGY IS NOT ACCURATE! It is, in fact, completely made up – unlike the predictions below, which are, as ever, uncannily precise…

Aries:
On Thursday, you will lose two fingers to a particularly sadistic trout at your local fish counter. At least you know it’s fresh! On the positive side, Jupiter rises in Pisces this month, meaning that fish-related incidents are highly fortuitous – as you’ll find out, when the trout turns out to be a princess who has been transformed into a fish by an evil wizard! You have no way of turning her back into a human, though, and the bitch just ate two of your digits, so I suggest you pan-fry her with a little herb butter.

Taurus:

A case of mistaken identity will this week plunge you into the shadowy world of international espionage. Try not to lose the briefcase. If you get shot at, remember that it’s your own fault for wearing that stupid-looking trilby. Your lucky light-bulb is 60W.

Gemini:
Look, it’s probably best we try and forget the whole ugly incident, alright? We’d both been drinking, it didn’t mean anything. Besides, at least the staff at the emergency room got a laugh out of it. Let’s just be friends, and steer well clear of the people at the bonsai centre in future, eh?

Cancer:

Due to a glitch in the space-time continuum, this week you will meet a future version of yourself from next October. You’re probably better off asking them about what the future holds, since they’ve actually been there. Fine – ask away. I only spent three days putting your bloody star-chart together, but no, you just go ahead and ask them instead. Ingrate. I’m not going to tell you what your lucky item of furniture is, and it was a really good one, too.

Leo:
If someone bets you that you can’t fit a whole hamster in your mouth this week, don’t take the bet. Trust me, you can’t. I know they don’t look very big, but they’re really fluffy and they wriggle. It’ll end in tears, I promise you. Don’t believe me? Well, if you want to go against the predictions of the stars, alright then. I’ll bet you ten pounds you can’t fit a whole hamster in your mouth…

Virgo:

Mars conjucting with some comet or other means that money may or may not be coming your way. I don’t know how much. Look, it’s not an exact science, alright? And it might not be money, it might be a zebra. Could go either way, really. Or maybe nothing will happen, I dunno.

Libra:
Love is in the air this week, in the form of a toxic green fume. Sometimes I get love and chlorine mixed up – don’t know what that’s about. Probably something Freudian. Anyway, love is in the air, and if you inhale too much of it, it will fuck your lungs up.

Scorpio:

On Tuesday you will get an itch in the small of your back – one of those really annoying ones that you can’t quite reach.

Sagittarius:
The lads at work have clubbed together to throw you a surprise party on Friday night. Of course, I’ve rather ruined the surprise now… They want to say how much they’ve enjoyed working with you, and how sorry they are that you’re leaving. You aren’t leaving? Oh – they haven’t told you yet. Shit.

Er… surprise!

Capricorn:

The disconcertingly serene cultists who knock on your door on Thursday will actually seem to make a lot of sense. You will feel drawn to join their peculiar brand of mysticism, and before the week is out, you will have shaved your head and changed your name to “Shining Moon-Sister”. However, problems will ensue when you meet the cult’s leader, whom you will recognise as the man who put in that dodgy double-glazing for you a few years back. In a fit of pique, you will form a breakaway sect, but no-one will join and you will end up returning to your old life, a sadder and wiser individual. Your lucky sofa is a Chesterfield.

Aquarius:

I couldn’t be bothered to do your horoscope this week. I’m not sure any Aquarians read this blog, anyway.

Pisces:

This is good week for travel, especially overseas. I know, it would have helped to know that a few months back when you were booking your holidays, but there you go. You’ll have to make do with the commute to and from work, instead.