One of the principle disadvantages of atheism is that we’re deprived of one extra reason to skive off work – religious holidays. “Sorry, I can’t come in today because 2000 years ago nothing of any major note happened,” is, apparently, not considered a valid excuse by most employers. So I started thinking – if I wanted to accrue some major extra holiday time, which religion offers the best bang for my buck? What faith should I convert to for maximum enforced leisure time?
On the surface, Judaism looks pretty good. The requirement to keep the Sabbath basically rules out 52 days in every year. Not only that, but you really can’t do much on the Sabbath at all; there’s an extensive list of no-nos including untying knots and putting out fires (so if you’re tied to a burning bed you’re royally screwed). That’s 52 days of uninterrupted chilling, which sounds like a sweet deal. However, I work standard UK office hours – nine-to-five, Monday to Friday – so I’m getting the Sabbath off every week anyway. Plus, I’m allowed to put out my bed if it catches fire, which is definitely an improvement on the Jewish approach. So Judaism gets the thumbs down – I’ll have to find another way to stiff my employer.
Christians get Sundays off (unless you’re a Seventh-Day Adventist) for worship, but that’s a hangover from their Jewish roots, and is covered by the weekend anyway. They also get Christmas and Easter as bonus work-free days, and that’s not half bad. Christmas, as everyone knows, is an awesome festival of gluttony, and Easter means an overabundance of Cadbury’s Crème Eggs, possibly the best confectionery ever crafted by mortal hands. I can definitely see the attraction; but then I live in a Christian country, so I get these two days whether I want them or not. In any case, two days out of a whole year is rather weak; I’m after a bit more free time than that. I could get a few extras by joining the more-than-a-little-unhinged Philadelphia Church of God, who pack in an extra week’s-worth by nicking Jewish festivals, but I don’t live in Philadelphia (although I do enjoy the cheese spread).
Muslims are also expected to observe one day a week – in their case it’s Friday – but are also supposed to observe their major sacred days. However, observance is all that’s required; there’s no technical reason for a Muslim to avoid work on Mawlid an Nabi (Mohammed’s birthday) or on any other holy day. I suppose I could try and swing it – after all, how many UK employers possess an intricate knowledge of Islamic festivals? – but they don’t actually have that many religious days anyway, so would it really be worth it?
Some faiths get bugger-all in the way of holidays. Daoists get just two, the Chinese New Year and the Moon Cake Festival, but pity the poor Shintoists, who get only one – Gantan-sai, the Shinto New Year ceremony – which has already passed this year anyway. Those crazy Scientologist kids are also limited to just the one festival, which naturally is the birthday of their cult’s founder, March 13th.
The Baha’is, now, they’ve got the idea. I count nine Baha’i holy days on which trading is officially suspended: Naw Ruz, First Day of Ridvan, Ninth Day of Ridvan, Twelfth Day of Ridvan, Declaration of the Bab, Ascension of Baha’u'llah, Martyrdom of Bab, Birth of the Bab and the Birth of Baha’u'llah. Add that to the weekends and Christian holidays which I get for free, and that’s a total of 115 days off per year, nearly a third of my entire working life. I think I sense a religious epiphany coming on…
6 comments
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January 30, 2009 at 11:03 am
John Morales
Well, it was sounding good to me, so I checked it out.
Ouch!
I like my booze :)
January 30, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Brian Larnder
Just become a Unitarian Universalist and you can observe every religion’s holidays equally.
January 30, 2009 at 10:23 pm
PhillyChief
I never even heard of the Philadelphia Church of God, and I’m like, right here. That’s awesome, which means they really do adhere to those beliefs like no proselytizing. I really like that and:
• The Church does not seek financing from the public at large (no federal funds or tax exemption?)
• Ministers are to be true servants to the membership and therefore must avoid extremes in lifestyle and lavishness (like no private helicopters or air conditioned dog kennels?)
• All members are to subject themselves to the laws and regulations of the government of the land (what, no whiny pleas for religious exemptions or special privileges?)
Of course the rest of it is looney, but it’s a personal looney, like being Amish. If your looniness just means you live your life oddly but don’t bother anyone else, then that’s cool. Now should your looniness lead to bonuses like a gift for making yummy pies (ie – see Amish), then I’m, all for it.
Going to college in the North East US, there were a lot of Jewish kids, which meant classes and tests got put off due to Jewish holidays. Man, they have A LOT of holidays. You get way more than just 52 days off. Believe me. Anyway, it was nice gaining the benefits in college without the baggage of actually becoming a Jew. ;)
January 30, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Eshu
I’m a devotee of the skivean faith and I worship the all-powerful Slopeoff.
They can’t exactly rule your religion out for being made up… that’d be a can of worms. :)
January 31, 2009 at 9:30 pm
the chaplain
I was going to suggest Catholicism – if you want to celebrate Saints Days, they have over 10,000 saints. Obviously, some of them have to share their days. You’ll never have to work again. Combine that with Brian’s suggestion of Unitarian Universalist and you can have all the rest of the days of all the rest of your lives off forever. Good deal.
February 1, 2009 at 6:59 am
Lorena
Skip religion and retire early!