On the way to my Aikido classes each week, I pass a large billboard advertising the Alpha Course. I don’t know if this is something unique to Britain, or if it has a global presence, but for those readers who aren’t familiar with the term, the Alpha Course is a Christian evangelical tool. Essentially it invites non-churchgoers to come to the sessions and ask questions about Christianity and the Bible, then tries to convert them. I’ve been tempted to join one for a laugh, but Wifeshui says she thinks that would be cruel of me…
Anyway, this particular poster poses the question “Is this it?” in large block letters, and then adds the tagline: “If God existed, what would you ask?” Leaving aside the rather appealing tacit assumption in the hypothetical question (that God doesn’t exist), I thought I’d list my top five questions. So, if God was real, here’s what I’d be asking:
1. Why the long silence? It’s been over 2000 years since Your kid came to Earth and pulled his Messiah schtick, and he pretty much promised he’d be back in a few weeks. A couple of millennia later, and we’re still waiting. Did he get held up in traffic or something? It’s not as though his dad has been particularly chatty either – where are the modern-day burning bushes and pillars of flame? You could at least write!
2. Could You have perhaps been a little more specific? You tell the Christians one thing, the Muslims another, and don’t even get me started on that shit You pulled on the Hindus. What’s wrong with being a bit more precise in Your instructions? I mean, even within Christianity alone You’d be hard-pressed to find two people who can agree on what You want. And whilst You’re unifying the message, perhaps You could take the trouble to set it out nice and clearly, instead of in an ambiguous and self-contradictory holy book passed down from the Bronze Age.
3. What’s with the destruction and death in the world? Merciful God, my arse – You seem to take pleasure in dropping one disaster after another on Your creation. So either You don’t care, or You can’t do anything about it – and what sort of god does that make You?
4. What exactly do You do all day? The more we discover about the world (using the powerful brains that You supposedly gave us), the less we find for You to do. We now have better, more coherent explanations for the Creation, for the diversification of species, for supernatural experiences, for supposed miracles… what exactly are You for?
5. What’s the deal with Hell? You’re proposing that we get tortured for an infinite period of time, simply because we failed to believe in You, in spite of the fact that You provide no evidence for Your existence and even offered up a whole batch of contradictory options (see question 2), only one of which (at most) can possibly be correct. In my book, that makes You a complete and utter bastard – and why the hell would I want to worship that?
I don’t expect a reply, but should God happen to peruse this blog at some point, maybe He’d be good enough to pop an answer or two in the comment thread…
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September 23, 2008 at 3:10 am
Postman
You must have prayed extra hard today, because Gawd has answered your prayer:
http://deusexeverriculum.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/dear-thinkers/
September 23, 2008 at 2:23 pm
PhillyChief
Man, I would love that here. That would be fucking awesome.
September 23, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Eshu
I’ve also been tempted to go along to the Alpha course and ask awkward questions, but everyone (including my atheist/agnostic friends) tells me not to.
As regards the death and destruction, looks like God was out to get you, yunshui, for all your heretical comments (I assume)… OK, he got the wrong city, but it’s only a few miles down the road, and in a humongous universe that’s pretty accurate!
September 23, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Eshu
In reference to your title, if I asked a “silly” question like yours above, I’d be amazed and impressed to get any kind of answer. Even if it was “Poo-poo to you puny human!”
September 24, 2008 at 12:21 am
Sarge
Last night at rehearsal I was taken to task about my lack of belief and was told (in a light-hearted way) that “God would punish me”.
Hmmmm. I’ve been burned, shot, hit with shrapnel, suffered a brain injury (coupled with a learning disability that makes life real convenient) lost a child, had a stroke, and am even now making the first circles of the drain to the big nothing with cancer.
This punishment will be…?
If there is a deity, and it is as the xians allege, and there is an opportunity, I will ask one question: “What is WRONG with you!!!???” probably at as full a volume as I can manage.
As an aside, if “heaven” and earth have any similarity, the brown nosers and snitches (I believe you guys in the UK call them “grasses”) will always stand near power.
September 24, 2008 at 2:04 am
the chaplain
I’ve been tempted to join one for a laugh, but Wifeshui says she thinks that would be cruel of me…
Oh, please do it! Pretty please! And take the video camera with you!
I’m really impressed that God sent you a postcard. Are you going to sell it on ebay?
September 24, 2008 at 7:52 am
yunshui
Eshu: Yeah, the Almighty’s aim is rubbish…
Sarge: Your question does rather get to the nub of the matter. By the way, you may well have answered this elsewhere (and apologies for asking again if you have), but I always really enjoy your contributions to this and many other blogs. It makes me wonder – why don’t you have one of your own? I’d sure as hell subscribe to it!
Chappy: I am tempted. Years ago, my old church was one of the first places to institute the Alpha scheme, back when it was in its infancy, so I got to see it from the other side first. It’s basically limp-wristed evangelism, though, and whilst asking awkward questions would be fun, I’m pretty sure I’d get a lot of, “Mmm, interesting point. Let’s move on now…”
September 24, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Sarge
Thanks, and I have been asked before.
My compuational competence is at a level where I can answer emails and use this machine for musical arrangements and that’s about it. Give me and older radio, a horse, a steam engine, or internal combustion and I’m your boy. Give me a musical instrument and I’ll suss it out and be able to play it in performance in a month…providing…
Also, there’s a time factor. I’m usually gone three or four days a week, and I’ll be going into the hospital for more extended period of time in a little bit. I know some twenty somethings and teenagers who might help me if I want to take the plunge. I’ll mull it over, though.
I learned early on to take a look at things. I lived in places where when my parents told me that there were people who would want what I didn’t want to eat I knew it was true. They were sometimes looking in our window watching us eat. I have been in some of the same places where Sunday School was demanded by the parents, so they did it themselves. We were required to sing “Jesus Loves The Little Children” when in full view, less than a block away several children were laying dead. You could smell them, too. If ever there were contrary evidence of a false assetion, there it was.
My outlook actually became more outward when I visited England in 1957. I was just a kid and we were in York. A bunch of English kids were following us at a discrete distance singing, “It wasn’t the Yanks what won the war, paaaarlay voooo…” My father said, “Hell, they’re right”! and added, where’s the nearest shop that sells ice cream? You guys want some?” They did, and we all had some which strengthened some ties among Anglophones.
See if anyone remembers that little ditty, I’d just be interested to find out if they do. I don’t know if The Austerity was still on, but I guess things were tough for a lot of folks from GB.
September 25, 2008 at 7:52 am
yunshui
Sarge: Fair enough, and thanks for answering me (again!) As long as your pertinent memoirs continue to fill our comments threads I guess I’ll be happy.
“Parlay-voo” is still around as a children’s song in the UK, although the lyrics (except for the French bit) have been through many mutations. The version I learned concerned the adventures of a flatulent old lady, and I’m aware of a couple of others. In many ways it’s a good parallel to organised religion – slight discrepancies creep in over time, until you end up with something bearing only a faint resemblence to the original…
September 25, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Sarge
I am a musician and my favorite types are folk/traditional music.
I was told that these types of music are like an heirloom, say our Daniel Boone.
Ol’ Dan gives your anscestor a hatchet and it’s been handed down to you! Yep, Daniel Boone’s hatchet, and it’s yours! Of course, it’s had twelve handles and nine heads, but … it’s the very one that came from Daniel Boone.
September 25, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Eshu
Yeah I remember a fart-themed Parlay-voo (Parlez-vous?) song. Farts seem to be strangely absent in religious songs… pity.
September 25, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Eshu
Well if you go on the Alpha course I’ll come along and hold your hand… or not.
I think you’d have to be subtle about it.. actually, I have subversion on my CV (Resume), so…